I received a sentient smartphone from the future and I don’t really know how or why. It says it will self-destruct if I provide actual proof of it’s existence or of the things it shows me to anyone. However, I asked and it says it’s okay if I draw and write about what I see while browsing the future’s internet.
So this is a portrait of a creature I saw on a talk show from the future. The creature looks almost 2 meters long, stands about 0.6-0.8 meter tall and can extend its legs to be 1.3-1.5 meter tall. If the head… huh… the head which has eyes bends upwards, the front arms could probably reach something on the top shelf in your kitchen.
Below, you will find a transcript of some parts of the talk show as well as some description of what happens on screen.
-Hello aaaand welcome!
(Audience’s applause fade out.)
-In today’s show we learn more about someone who came in the public eye for his activism during the 2069 coitus prohibition. His social status exploded all over the net when he was quoted saying “Actions speak louder than words. If you disagree, we should meet and I will explain my point of view.” Most of you probably don’t know but he is at least 80 000 years old. His best known historical alias is Dionysus but he was first described by humans in “The Old Texts” found in Mesopotamia. Loosely translated, the writings go as follow: “The Demon Phallosus: It/he/she is always looking for an unguarded opening to penetrate your soul and visit the deepest darkest corners of your being. It is said to be one of the most traumatizing experience one could go through… unless you are into that kind of stuff…” Later he will tell in details the real story behind these claims written by a vengeful ex boyfriend. I’m happy to receive him today on the show, his close friends call him Willy but we know him aaaaaaaaas Richaaaaaard!
(He walks on stage, shakes host’s hand and sits down.
Audience mild applause, uncertain.
His three friends who look like frat boys cheer way too loud.
Cheering fades out.)
…
(Interview)
…
(He gets up, hugs the host, wipes a tear from the corner of his eye, waves and sends kisses to the audience as he walks off stage.
The room goes crazy, everyone is standing applauding or whistling.
Some people, including the host, are crying.
The cheers start dying out almost a full minute after he left.)
-Waw… well… that really was something wouldn’t you say..? Alright… now for the dark part of the show. During an interview we did before the show, one of his friends explained how the nickname Willy came to be. He agreed to let us use the footage if we preserved his anonymity. Let’s watch…
(A video starts on the big screen behind the host.
It shows Richard’s only three friends, the loud cheering frat boys from earlier, sitting on a couch.
The one in the middle has a black rectangle hiding his eyes and his voice is modulated to be unrecognizable.
His still visible ginger afro leaves no possible doubt on his identity.
Camera switches to show the “anonymous” friend and the audience’s reaction.
For a few seconds, all eyes in the room converge on the back of the huge ginger hair ball seated near the stage.
Looking to his right then to his left he notices they are sitting in exactly the same order as in the video.
With an expression of extreme discomfort resembling an amalgam of pain and fear he sinks in his seat as if to hide.
The video switches to fullscreen.)
…
-Yes, we guarantee your anonymity. So, you were telling us that you guys used to call him Dick to tease him but he eventually snapped, is that right?
-Exactly, it was my dog he ended up… they were… ok, let me tell you how it happened. We were all having a good time, playin’ Call of Duty and he was already frustrated because he was losing. He started using the RPG and a noob tube to kill us so we were callin’ him dick, all rippin’ on him, sayin’ he’d always be a noob because dicks don’t have hands and he got real angry which made us laugh even more. He got super pissed… hehehe… piss. Anyway, my poor dog was just walking by when he grabbed him… At first the dog was scared but he quickly got into it and actually seemed to like it after a few minutes. No one wanted to touch them and you know… we all have phones… so we filmed it. At first, we were surprised, then shocked, then disgusted, then fascinated and then disgusted again… Anyway, in the end they were stuck so they slept the whole night ass to ass… assface. Now every time we’re at my place, the dog won’t leave Willy alone and Willy just looks shriveled and shameful.
(The video ends and the image returns to the host harboring a somber almost reprehensive expression.
Sounds of disgust and disbelief are coming from the audience.)
-Our anonymous informant then went on to tell us the disturbing sight convinced them to change the nickname for a euphemism Richard didn’t understand. From there we get Willy.
Non fictional information:
Drawn for fun during Pixel Animation 2015.
I feel Phallosus (or Willy or Richard or Dick) is a nice addition to my creepy bestiary.
